Founded in 2005, the Lumpenbangen Piano Institute is dedicated to producing original piano compositions played (a typical Lumpenbangen stroke–deft and brilliant) on the piano. Dr. Idel Dreimer, a retired High School teacher, the President of the Institute and Chief Composer, is a graduate of the University of Toronto and holds the B.Comm. and M. A. degrees from that Institution. His doctoral certificate in Musicology -- from the Nigerian University of Musicology -- bears every hallmark of authenticity. 

His original compositions are played on the piano by the much younger, gangly and gap-toothed Rufus Allthumbs, who very nearly graduated from Elvira Oldenstone Primary school in South Hoboken, New Jersey. As Rufus likes to tell it, his grade eight teacher, Miss Shipley, said she had never seen anyone come quite so close to passing, without actually doing so. Rufus has a very solid job with E-Z Clean Industrial Cleaners in Hamilton, Ontario, but finds scope for his musical talents with the Lumpenbangen Institute on a part-time basis.

            General Comments on Lumpenbangen Music

Through the admittedly biased eyes of Dr. Dreimer, much of modern popular music is characterized by a strong beat, a lack of melody, a strong visual “video” element, and words that are barely articulated and hence often unintelligible. The Lumpenbangen music is at a considerable remove from this popular standard. It focuses chiefly on melody, and is often quiet and melancholic.

It is, of course, entirely unsuitable for anyone under twenty years of age, and we would warn of serious consequences which may ensue in the event of even brief exposure of those in this age group. According to the eminent neurologist, Dr. Heinrich Von Klinkenhoffer, the synapses of those whose central nervous systems have been shaped by the constant bombardment of popular music are in a weakened and vulnerable state, and even the briefest exposure to a real melody can have disastrous mental and physical effects.

In the case of his own son, fifteen-year-old Jamie Von Klinkenhoffer, the boy happened to be in the hallway and overheard a part of the Lumpenbangen melody “The Pool” which Heinrich was listening to in the living room. The effect was instantaneous: the unfortunate lad collapsed with an exclamation, lapsed immediately into an apostrophe, and from there drifted into a comma in which he has remained for the past two years.

 

In view of this rather disturbing outcome, we would strongly urge discretion on the part of all potential listeners. Quite possibly, those under thirty should not undertake an initial listening without assuring themselves of the fairly close presence of emergency medical services, with the usual complement of defibrillators, stimulants, and heart-lung machines. (We think fifty feet would be about right.)

Neither, it should be noted, is this music suitable for those over sixty years of age. It is well known that those approaching retirement--and beyond--are likely to be worried about health, income, and the onset of old age; they may become preoccupied with significant thoughts about the meaning of life, wonder whether they should have taken Advanced Anthropology instead of Commerce and Finance, lived on the East coast of Florida instead of the West, and become subject to increasing fits of melancholy and depression. Lumpenbangen Music has been clinically proven to exacerbate such symptoms.

We are required by the Regulatory Authorities to make the following disclaimers:

1. Do not listen to this music if you take regular medication prescribed by a doctor, herbalist, naturopath, or veterinarian.

     2.  Do not play this music within the hearing range of household pets. Fish in aquaria and the black hairy giant tarantula may be especially vulnerable.

3. Do not listen to this music if you have musical training, natural sense of rhythm, or above average pitch perception.

4. Do not listen to this music if you have obsessive-compulsive disorder or perfectionist tendencies.

The Lumpenbangen Institute will accept no responsibility for homicide, fratricide, patricide, or any other cide or violent acts or anti-social behaviour exhibited by those who have been exposed to this music.

Post Script: We recognize that some recipients of our mailed Christmas discs rely on them to get through the Holiday Season without lapsing into an unhealthy optimism, experiencing inappropriate feelings of contentment or satisfaction, or becoming contaminated with a positive view of their fellow human beings. We can take no responsibility for delays in shipment.

The Lumpenbangen Piano Institute is pleased to present the thirteenth annual Christmas disc of original piano melodies. As usual, they are composed by Dr. Idel Dreimer and played by the Chief Pianist of the Institute, Rufus Allthumbs.

There was no disc created last year, because Mr. Allthumbs sustained an injury to one of his thumbs. The injured thumb was in the regular thumb position on his right hand, and made playing difficult. Had it been one of his less-used thumbs B say one of those in the middle of his left hand B some degree of subterfuge might have sufficed to conceal the digital deficit. And again, under ordinary circumstances, a transplant or replacement might have saved the day B but B citing the Plague B all the hospitals we contacted quoted replacement operation dates several years hence.

A special meeting of the Lumpenbangen Board was called, and it was decided that the disc could easily be postponed until midsummer. But no date was set, and, as time passed, no occasion seemed ideally convenient. Procrastination, once inhaled, is as habit-forming and tenacious as tobacco.

Dr. Dreimer has subsequently observed: AIntentions without deadlines wither in the wastes of idleness and delay,@ AIndustry is the child of urgency,@ AThe ideal moment is never in the present: it beckons from the future or reproaches from the past,@ AHe who waits for inspiration to begin a project fails to understand that beginning comes first,@ A Industry is the father, not the child of inspiration@ B and similar homiletic expressions. He repeats them often. His circle of acquaintance has, inexplicably, diminished considerably.

We would like to note that one of the melodies on the disc -- ABach Again@ B was composed in 2008. Rufus has never managed to play the piece with just the right tempo and touch B but we thought we would let him fail again. Consistency B we suppose B will always provide some comfort B regardless of the quality of the outcome.

Two of the melodies are improvisations. That means they are the first or second attempt at expressing a musical idea B which B miraculously B has avoided major fumbles, and sounds deliberate and assured. We are usually so grateful for the easy win, that we see no point in trying to organize their somewhat meandering nature.

As usual, these discs have been blessed by a Certified Mountain Hermit in a licensed Cave in Pingo-Pongo, and the cases have been washed in the Ganges and sun-dried -- with rosemary leaves B on its banks. However -- because of conditions imposed by the Plague B these rituals have been B as is the current custom B  "virtually@ performed. We regret that a strike by the Buddhist Monk Co-operative has prevented even a virtual incantation over the cases. Spectroscopy analysis, however, suggests that the resulting deficiency is, blessedly, minimal.

We are pleased to present selections from the 2017 Christmas CD entitled Starlight Caprice. It should be noted that all titles for the melodies are devised after composition. The first track on the CD seemed to suggest a haunting vision of the stars -- an odd, languid prism of melancholic detachment. Unable to squeeze such pretentiousness into the title, Dr. Dreimer settled on Starlight Caprice: Perceptions in a Minor Key.

In recent years, we have felt that some of our melodies have been insufficiently melancholic and depressing; little dollops of normality have, disturbingly, been creeping in. Since the purpose of the disc is to serve as a helpful counter-balance to the enforced jollity and desperate expressions of cheerfulness of the Christmas season, this failure has been troublesome. We are most gratified that, with this disc, the high standard of melancholic gloom seems to have been restored. A happy but unintended consequence seems to be that the melodies, taken as a whole, have a remarkably useful therapeutic effect: the disc appears to be a wonderful cure for occasional sleeplessness or even chronic insomnia. Extensive clinical work at the Lumpenbangen Laboratories have shown that the disc is more effective than almost all popular brands of sleeping pills in inducing an easy and untroubled sleep.

We are also pleased to be able to assure listeners that, in spite of rising costs, our dedication to the many important mystical rituals employed in the production of each disc is undiminished. Although it is increasingly difficult to find holy hermits living on nuts, berries, and roots in their mountain caves – and their rates have soared accordingly – each plastic disc has been appropriately blessed by an acknowledged leader in the mountain hermit field.

Despite the cost of travelling to India, the awkwardness of dipping the plastic jewel cases in the Ganges without getting wet, and the soaring rates charged by Buddhist monks for their somewhat obscure incantations, we are able to confirm that -- with respect to each and every one of these inspirational discs -- our diligence in such matters is unchanged from that observed with previous releases.

A list of titles may be found on the right hand side of this page.

2. Bittersweet   (play)

3. Time and Tide   (play)

4. The Last Flower   (play)

5. At the Ball   (play)

6. Butterfly   (play)

7. Castle Garden Walk   (play)

8. The Bright Tomorrow   (play)

9. Summer Glory   (play)

10. Summer's End (play)
          (replayed 2018)

We are pleased to present the 2016 Xmas CD, entitled Winterscape. The title was selected at the annual Meeting of the Board of Directors, which is held every year in early December -- as soon as Mr. Althumbs has completed his playing of the melodies.

As usual, the title was drawn from a hatful of suggestions made by the Lumpenbangen staff. It is a vile rumour that some make their suggestions without actually hearing any of the melodies.

In previous years, there has been much acrimonious discussion over the titling of the disc. Words – hurtful words – have been hurled which have made contact with exposed feelings of exceptional fragility; it has been claimed – by the victims – that certain self-esteems have been significantly compromised.

In view of the prevailing temper of the times, in which it is agreed that harmony is the chief good to which mankind can aspire, it was decided that this year, no discussion would take place: the first title to be drawn would be selected. Thus anyone attempting to visualize a winter landscape or even an escape from winter while listening to the title track, may not be entirely successful. However, we have no doubt that the attempt will be a worthwhile exercise of the imagination.

Unfortunately, once a concession to fashion is made in one area, it may seem foolish to insist on obsessive traditional values and persnickety standards elsewhere. Usually, each subsequent title on these famed Lumpenbangen discs is selected through a rigorous protocol which involves Dr. Dreimer’s sitting in the lotus position, with his eyes fixed upon the ceiling for at least three minutes. For this disc, Dr. Dreimer assumed the omphaloskepsis position for less than two.

We should hasten to assure the recipients of these discs that no other compromises have been made: the discs have all been blessed by a registered Scientologist, and the plastic jewel cases have been washed in the Ganges. Dr. Dreimer has composed each melody using the traditional Mayan algorithms, and Rufus Allthumbs has played them in his own – fortunately inimitable – style.

We are also pleased to announce that we have begun to take steps – small steps, to be sure – to raise the quality of the melodies on these highly regarded CDs. Dr. Dreimer had composed -- and Rufus had played – fifteen melodies in total. One was rejected on grounds of general tiresomeness, one because of Mr. Allthumbs’ lack of manual dexterity, and the other for a profound deficiency in the area of the crucially important gluteus musicalis.

We cannot predict – at this point -- whether the increasingly high expectations of the modern musical audience may lead to a higher quality of musical composition, or simply a diminution in the number of melodies accepted for each Xmas disc.

Winterscape  (Play)

The Wheel  (Play)

Summing Up  (Play)

Riding the Wave  (Play)

Winter Reverie  (Play)

The Ascent  (Play)

On the Chinese Screen  (Play)*

"For Once, Then, Something"   (Play)*

*Played on the 1912 Gerhard Heintzman

Spring Breeze  (play)

Backward Glance (play)

Wood Sprite  (play)

Fallingwater Brook  (play)

Easy Street (play)

Rainy Day Reflections  (play)

Fleeting Fragment  (play)

All the Old Familiar Places  (play)

Antiguan Memory  (play)

Gerhard Gesture (play)

It's Getting Late  (play)

A Certain Slant  (play)      ("There's a certain slant of light/ On winter afternoons
                                              That oppresses, like the weight/ Of cathedral tunes.")      

Country Ramble  (play)          

Happy Foot Hop  (play)

Turning Wheel  (play)

Rainy Panes  (play)

Toy Dancer  (play)

Ember Reverie (play)

Old Time Piano*  (play)

Sachet* (play)

Sepia Tones*  (play)
 

*Played on the 1912 Gerhard Heintzman

*When one considers the nearest contenders, Sex in Miami and Cocaine Carousel, the decision of the Lumpenbangen Board of Directors appears to have been a no-brainer.

   15. Cascading Light, Dappled Ground    (July, 2010 )               play              

Imagine a sailboat on a wide, calm sea, gently rocked by smooth swells. Occasionally a puff of wind pulls listlessly at the sails, but then dissipates before motion can be achieved. A longer rally of the breeze fills the sails, gives hope, but then dissolves like a mist at sunrise;  the sails are empty, the sailboat as before, becalmed.     play